Job Application (part 2)

The next part of the application tests whether you have a brain.

Qualifications—OK, today I work at a washing machine store. SO MANY applicants write, "I have a washing machine" as a qualification. Well, good for you, but having one and being able to sell one are very different things! Do you know how to use it properly, or do you shove 2 weeks' worth of clothes, light and dark, into the machine and expect them to come out sweet-smelling and perfectly folded?

The "reason for leaving your last job" section is often the funniest part of the application.

• People who write "didn't like boss" or "didn't like job" are probably not going to like me or this job, either.
  
• "Personal" or "will explain in interview"—Oh? You're way too dramatic to be working here. We don't even need to interview you.
• "Needed more money"—we don't pay that much here, either. If you're hired you'll probably leave in a month.
• "Got fired"—at least he's honest, but come on! Do I really want to hire him? What did he get fired for?

The hours you can work is also a funny part.

• "8-5, M-F"—Yeah right, this isn't an office, it's a store!
• "Weekends negotiable" or "one Saturday a month"—I have enough other things to do without negotiating with my employees, and you MUST work AT LEAST one weekend day. Fact is, new employees get the worst shifts. You have to work up to the better schedules.
• "2-4, MWF"--It's not worth the paperwork to hire you if you can only work 6 hours a week. And it'll take 6 months before you learn enough to be able to do a decent job. No way.

Smokers need not apply because you don't get 20 breaks a day because "I'm getting jittery, I need a cigarette." "That customer really stressed me out, I'm going to smoke." Company policy: smokers don't get any more breaks than a normal employee.